Quid Facitis

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am at a loss for what to do with my almost 11-year-old.

He argues constantly about everything. Here’s an example of the arguing: We made gingerbread houses this weekend. He got home from school, and I gave him a snack. While he was eating, he said, “I’m going to smash the gingerbread house on Christmas.” I said, “Nope, we do it on New Year’s Eve.” He said, “I made mine, so I get to smash it when I want.” I replied, “Nope, we always do it on New Year’s.” He kept repeating himself until I finally said, “We are done arguing, just drop it.” To which he retorted, “You just drop it!” I then asked him to go anywhere in the house besides the kitchen because he was still talking about it after I asked him to stop. (I couldn’t leave, I was helping his sitter get a snack, and doing dishes.) He then yelled at me, “You leave! Why do I have to leave if you’re the one with the problem?”

This happens every time he talks to me. I don’t get it. I want to spend time with him, but he is so hard and angry right now. He is so exhausting. He is nice to everyone else except his little sister and me. Whenever she talks to him, he makes fun of how she said something. Please help!

—Argued Out

Dear Argued Out,

It seems as if your son is truly upset with something other than what you’re actually arguing about. For example, in the case of the gingerbread house, he seemed upset about the loss of autonomy in making decisions about the house that he created, rather than the actual fact of not being allowed to smash it on Christmas. Does he feel like you always make all of the big and little decisions, while he isn’t allowed to make any? During these tween ages, it’s totally normal to want more freedom. It sounds like that could be the case, but you’ll need to ask him directly. Approach him in a quiet moment—not when you’re in the middle of a squabble and try to get to the bottom of it and his emotions. But make sure to stress that there is a way to respectfully share his feelings, especially when talking to his little sister. Also, think about the small ways that you can let him make his own decisions. Smashing his own gingerbread house, for example, doesn’t really hurt anyone else. So, sometimes, consider letting him make decisions that aren’t necessarily the ones you’d make.

In these day-to-day situations, do your best to keep calm. If your emotions start to rev up, his will automatically do the same. Then ask him why he wants to do something and encourage him to rephrase what he is saying. The fact that he only gets angry with you and his sister shows that he’s capable of communicating and expressing himself, but is too frustrated in those moments to do so. I’m unsure of where this inability is ultimately coming from, but some conversations with a therapist—for the whole family—during calmer times when emotions aren’t running so high would be beneficial for everyone. Good luck!

—Arionne